Friday, February 24, 2012

Review #34: Milking the Golden Franchise Calf

Terminator Salvation Official Movie Prequel: Sand in the Gears
Writer: Dara Naraghi
Artist: Alan Robinson
Published: IDW Publishing, 2009








As I have mentioned in the past, the comic medium has become yet another head of the hydra that is THE FRANCHISE. Everyone and their dog has a comic book line. Star Wars, Star Trek, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, X-Files, Aliens, Predator, Aliens vs. Predator, and so on and so forth. So, it comes as no surprise that Terminator has been getting in on the action. And with the latest installment in that film series, comes this latest little suckerfish to attach itself to the pale belly of the beast.


Although the Terminator storyline is probably general pop culture knowledge, here is a quick summary: In the future, robots have begun taking over the world and one man, John Connor, is the key to leading humanity to victory. Multiple robot assassins are sent back in time to destroy him and thus any hope the resistance has in defeating the robot overlords.


The newest film, however, finally brought us completely into that terrible future, eschewing the usual time-traveling hijinks. This comic shows us around a bit, with resistance branches in both the States and Niger participating in a massive counter-offensive against the machines. In Detroit, Elena and William need Jackson's expertise in order to sneak into and sabotage a terminator factory. In Arlit, Bem, Yusuf and Lysette want to blow up a machine-operated uranium mine with a nuclear bomb. Both operations get shit on when the machines get wise to their hideouts and both teams end up having members sacrifice themselves for the greater good. Woo.


at least they didn't go for the cliché destroyed-Statue-of-Liberty shot


[I'm not going to bother with the preview of the film that they tacked onto the end of this, because that film was what I like to call “not good”, and, after flipping through it, the comic didn't seem much different. Also, side-note: the trailer for Terminator Salvation has to be one of the worst examples of a trailer giving away a major plot twist in modern film history.]


There is nothing compelling about this comic. The characters are forgettable, and mostly seem like roles that needed to be filled. “OK, we need some conflict on this team, so how about one is a black kid and one is a redneck. And for the conflict on the other team, one is an anti-colonial Syrian and one is French! Perfect.” We are supposed to care about them because they have each lost their families and everything important to them, but that's really the only reason the writer gives us, and frankly, it's not enough.


Also, they treat obvious advice from John Connor like it came from Sun Tzu or something:


exploit an enemy's weakness? that Connor is a genius!


Everyone seems to jizz their pants over John Connor. I've never understood why he is so important in this series. OK, so he leads the resistance... And nobody else is capable of leading? Why not? What exactly is so special about this guy? Is his midichlorian count off the charts? The writers are clearly trying to build up JC into some messiah-like – wait a sec...  John Connor... JC... Jesus Christ – OH MA GAWD!


I was gonna photoshop this, but it actually already existed!


The story arc is functional. The characters resolve their differences before the end. I had a hunch there might be a twist, but alas, no such luck. Elena didn't turn out to be a robot infiltrator. I guess that would have been too similar to the non-twist of the film itself.


The artwork doesn't really match the atmosphere, in my humble opinion. It should be a lot more dark/bleak/gritty, not so many bright colours and smooth lines. It looks sterile, motionless and emotionless.


*YAWN*


However, I liked the international aspect! Hollywood often walks a fine line in this department: they want to show diversity, so as to appear modern/enlightened/not racist or xenophobic, just as long as the main hero is American. In the off chance that the protagonist is not American, well, they damn well better be speaking English, because Joe Sixpack don't wanna read no faggy subtitles! Besides the hero-worship of JC, this story was pretty even-handed toward both the Arabic and American characters.


Anyway, that is pretty much the only pro in this unnecessary addition to the Terminator franchise.


For further reading into why the Terminator franchise has been getting dumber and dumber, the good folks at Cracked have my back:


Terminator Salvation minus the bullshit
Terminators are inefficient 
The whole thing just plain doesn't make sense


Here's to the futile hope that they don't make another sequel!

Monday, February 20, 2012

Review #33: Masamune's Mega Manga Magic!

Orion

Writer: Masamune Shirow
Artist: Masamune Shirow
Published: Dark Horse, 1991







I haven't looked at any manga since my first, underwhelming foray into the genre, and the honourable J. Booth lent me this a while ago, so I figured I should finally check it out. And check it out I did.

Orion was created by the same fella that made the critically acclaimed Ghost in the Shell franchise, which I recall reading about in an issue of Wizard when I was wee, way [alliteration!] back in the 90s. He also made Appleseed, which J. Booth calls “one of the best science fiction comics OF ALL TIME” [caps added for emphasis]. 

The story takes place in the Great Yamato Empire, which is basically one planet of a larger Galactic Empire of 25 planets. The Yamato Empire seems to have mastered something called “psycho-science”, some kind of magic/science combination. In any case, some big-wigs get the bright idea to eliminate all the negative karma in the galaxy by using a device called a Naga Generator. Master Fuzen, the head of the Fuze clan, realizes that this is a terribly bad idea, as it could end up destroying the universe or something. He summons Susano Orbatosgod of destruction and based on the similarly-named Shinto godto help him stop the impending armageddon. Dr. Habime, military counselor to the imperial court, is sent to arrest Fuzen and keep him from disrupting the plan. Fuzen's young, attractive, partially-naked-most-of-the-time daughter gets mixed up in the fiasco and hilarity and devastation ensue!

tentacle porn rears its ugly head, yet again

Orion is, in short, awesome. It is also, however, hard to fully understand. The technical details of psycho-science [of which there are many] are beyond my grasp, I'm afraid: There are psyche-levels and harmonic cycles [a harmonic cycle appears to be a unit of time that is around thirty seconds?] and cubular weapons; something called chrono-torsion; “dharmaquations” and an “octotrigrams”; yinerons and yangerons [apparently some kind of molecules?] and so on and so forth. A lotta stuff. 

so simple!

Despite all the technical mumbo-jumbo [which Shirow tries valiantly to explain in an afterword], Orion has a pretty straightforward/average plot: save the universe! So what makes it special? For one, the artwork is amazing. His artistic skill can match his wild imagination. The characters themselves look pretty standard-manga [as far as I know] but the weird, medieval/futuristic city-scapes are impressively detailed, as are all the spaceships and armor and mechanics, down to the tiniest gadget. I also get a very strong sense of motion from the drawings. Screws unscrewing, comically-huge swords swinging, nine-headed naga dharmaquations spinning, etc. 

Susano kicks ass with or without taking names
The second thing that makes me love Orion is the epic scale of the battles. Not epic in numbers, but in the level of powers [psycho-science or other] being unleashed. I mean, Susano is a god, and a god of destruction at that. He truly lives up to his title by the end of the book. It reminded me of Steven Erikson's Malazan Book of the Fallen series, which I have been reading on and off for a few years now, where a character is introduced who can level a city, and you think that is pretty badass, until a few pages later when a character who can totally own that first guy shows up. It also reminds me of Dragonball Z in that same way, so I am led to wonder if this is a prominent feature in works of manga. 

So, highly recommended. This second manga experience has definitely warmed me to the genre. I look forward to reading more, specifically more of Shirow's work.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Review #32: Archie is Everything


Everything's Archie #43
Writer: various
Artist: various
Published: Archie Music Corporation, 1975








Sweet Jesus. I was wondering when I would get to Archie and the gang. That time is now.


Archie was a staple of my childhood. Often, at the end of a long shopping expedition [single mom + four kids = an expedition] an Archie's Double Digest or something of that ilk would be purchased from the rack of crappy tabloids and magazines beside the checkout and promptly tossed to the pack of feral children of which I was a part.  


Since his debut in Pep Comics in 1941, Archie's popularity led to his own series, which in turn led to many, many other titles and characters from the series getting spinoffs of their own, like Betty, Veronica, Jughead and even that dick, Reggie. However, this massive amount of growth could not be maintained, and many titles of old have now fallen by the wayside and were canceled. Everything's Archie was one such title. Originally intended be a promotional vehicle for the virtual band, The Archies, the comic often featured the fictional exploits of said band, which explains the fact that it was published by “Archie Music Corporation” rather than Archie Comic Publications. 


Anyway, this issue of Everything's Archie [which is, I'm assuming, an abbreviation of Everything is Archie and not the possessive form of everything's, which would indicate that Archie belongs to everything, which actually makes more sense the more that I think about it, because does Archie not belong to all of us? But if we go with the first interpretation, that itself can have two different meanings: firstly, that everything and Archie are one and the same, making Archie some kind of god-like, omnipresent being; or secondly, that “Archie” is being used as some kind of adjective, like “groovy”, to describe the state of everything. These would, of course, beg the respective following questions: Why do my prayers to Archie remain unanswered? And why did that slang never catch on? That's not archie. Not archie at all. Alas, I digress...] has four short stories. Let's take a look!


Archie in “Girl Whirl”


Archie and the guys on Riverdale High's baseball team take on a girl's team from Centerville for a charity event. Archie and his fellow sexists white males [no Chuck in this one!] laugh at the females. Ha ha ha! Women playing baseball! It's hard not to laugh. “Don't slip on any bobby pins!” cracks Reggie. Oh snap! I think he is overestimating the slipperiness of bobby pins. 


But the joke's on those asshats, because these Centerville ladies kick ass! They beat the Riverdale boys 14 to nil. I guess they really learned a valuable lesson about gender equality. Oh, no, wait, nevermind. Betty and Veronica decide that they need to perpetuate the stereotypes that were just proven false in order to reinstill the guys' faith in themselves, thus undermining everything that just happened! Yaaay!


Archie reflects on life and the choices that led to this moment

Archie in “Weigh Out Scene”


Sexism defeated? Alright, next up is weight discrimination! Here we see a festively plump young man named Stanley being harassed by Archie, Reggie and Jughead [who, by all rights, should be morbidly obese from overeating]. Stanley takes their verbal abuse because as he says “if I got hurt feelings, I wouldn’t have any friends!” 


I also fall asleep laughing about all the dickish things I've done


That night, however, Archie dreams that he is ginormously fat, and experiences what it is like to be a victim of weight discrimination. As he says to Reg and Jug later, “believe me, it was a bad scene”. So the guys decide to make Stan their true friend instead of just someone to poke fun at... and he is never heard from again in any Archie comics. 


Archie in “Outshined”


Mr. Lodge [Veronica's father] has a problem: his car won't start! But what about the meeting with that new business client this afternoon? “I have to get that new account!” exclaims Mr. Lodge, giving us the generic motivation for this plot [how exactly does Mr. Lodge make his millions, anyway? Also, doesn't a millionaire have more than one car?].


Archie and Reggie happen to be hanging out with Veronica at the Lodge mansion and Archie offers to replace the carburetor so that Mr. Lodge can meet his client in time. When Archie leaves to pick up a carburetor, Reggie decides to sabotage his efforts in order to make Archie look like a fool in front of Veronica. He steals the battery out of the car, forcing Archie to lend Mr. Lodge his signature, beat-up jalopy. Turns out, the client figured that Lodge was super-frugal because he was driving a crappy old car, and he got the account! Huzzah!


he said "sex" in a children's comic book!


Meanwhile, Reggie gets physically assaulted by the Lodge's butler. 


Archie in “Born Free”


Archie, being the hard-working young man that he is, has cleaned out an elderly man's garage, for which he has been awarded $20 [apparently around $80 today]. He proudly declares his intention to take Veronica for milkshakes and finally not look like a cheapskate.  He meets up with his lady, only to discover that she needs to go pick up a new outfit. Fair enough! But, what is this? She forgot her credit card and must take Archie's hard-earned cash to buy her clothes. With the leftover change, Veronica buys drinks for herself and Archie, whilst Moose, Midge and Ethel pass judgment in the background. Tsk tsk. 


stick up for yourself, Poindexter!

Now, I can't really judge Archie comics by the standards that I usually apply to a comic, as the art [and thus the artist] is deliberately under-emphasized and has to fit a generic, recognizable mold. It reminds me of the Simpsons comics in that way. The writing is bland and inoffensive in order to perpetuate a wholesome and child-friendly image. It does not remind me of the Simpsons comics in that way. Anyway, I'm not sure if this is still the case, or if this is just a relic of the times, but the writers and artists aren't even named at all. Weird. 


The most striking thing about Everything's Archie #43 has to be that the band, The Archies, does not appear once [save a tiny, tiny picture on the cover]. Hm. So a comic series that was created to promote a fictional band fails to even feature said band at all. No wonder this shit was canceled. 



But nostalgia is powerful, and I will always hold a special place in my heart for Archie and the gang from Riverdale. Reading these comics takes me back to a simpler time. 

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Review #31: The Justice League and the Beasts Who Broke Promises



Justice League of America #131-132

Writer: Gerry Conway
Artists: Dick Dillin & Frank McLaughlin
Published: DC, 1976
                      











Alright, Justice League. What wacky shenanigans are you going to get into this time, in this two-issue story arc called "The Beasts Who Thought/Fought Like Men"?


Well, we seem to have a sickness that is spread by money [?] driving everyone in the USA crazy. So, a professor over at STAR labs decides that, instead of trying to cure the mysterious disease, everyone should just be given a special credit card and then nobody has to use money anymore! Huzzah! But, a few days later, trouble strikes again, because animals all over the States are escaping their cages and wreaking havoc! So, the JLA is on the case. They discover that the animals seem to be acting smarter and that people seem to be acting dumber. The plot thickens! They also encounter an old enemy of theirs, the Queen Bee, and a swarm of bees attacking New York. Queenie claims to be a under the control of the super-intelligent bees. Then some other old foe of the JLA, a guy named Sonar, reveals that he has been the cause of the human/animal intelligence reversal. You see, he was the one who was behind the money plague in the first place, and he created the special credit cards while working in disguise at STAR labs! The credit cards have a special secret sonic signal that  “created a brianpower link between humans and animals” [?] but he doesn't know how to control it!


Sonar!


So, the JLA, with the help of special guest star, Supergirl™, capture the bad guys and discover that Queen Bee was lying about being controlled by the bees and had figured out how to control the “brainlink”. That bitch!


"sorry, Supergirl, what are you saying?... we are too busy staring at your legs."

The writing is better this time around. Less gaping chasms in the plot. The whole “brainpower link” thing is very stupid, but that's mostly just an issue of bad science, rather than a complete lack of logic, as per the last JLA review. I genuinely liked the idea of the plot, and the inclusion of the two bad guys kept it the real culprit from being super-obvious™.


I called Dick Dillin and Frank McLaughlin's art “generic” last time, which isn't to necessarily say it's bad. It's probably better than I could draw. There's just nothing special or noteworthy about it. There are some problematic matters of perspective in a few of the drawings.


look out! Sonar is attacking Green Lantern's model of the Capitol Building!  


My review of issue 122 took a stand against plots that make little-to-no sense. These issues, 132 in particular, got me thinking about another prominent concern of mine: false advertising on comic book covers.


I have noticed it many times over the years, but it seems to be less prevalent these days. These old JLA comics though... hoo boy! The last crappy issue I reviewed had Aquaman's funeral on the cover, which never happens. All that happens is the bad guy thinks that Aquaman is dead for a few hours when he is, in fact, not!


These two issues both also feature covers depicting scenes that don't happen in the comic! I'll focus on 132, because that's the one by which I felt most ripped off. The cover shows something so stupidly awesome and it fails to deliver. Let's take a closer look, shall we?


a gorilla with a golden machine gun? why hasn't this been made into a feature-length film?


First of all, I was under the impression that these “Beasts Who Fought Like Men” would be the main adversary of the story, which is not true. The League spend most of their time fighting bees or Sonar. There is a short part in the middle of the comic [a scant two pages] where they fight the animals depicted on the cover. However, that brings me to the second thing: these beasts DO NOT fight like men! At no point do they wield weapons, like on the cover. They just use their god-given teeth and claws and crap. So, really, they are just beasts who fought like beasts.


If the comic had delivered what the cover had promised, like an elephant beating Aquaman into submission with a morning star, maybe it would have been one of the greatest comics of all time. Instead, it is merely so-so, and will be forgotten by comic book historians.


Oh, also, there's this funny “public service” comic strip in issue 132 that features this:
"uh...can I come with you guys?"



Thursday, February 2, 2012

Review #30: The Justice League and the Great Wasted Effort


Justice League of America #122
Writer: Martin Pasko
Artists: Dick Dillin & Frank McLaughlin 
Published: DC, 1975









So, a while ago, my aunt gave me a bunch of old comics from the 70s and 80s and I just got around to checking them out. And let's just say I am surprised that anyone survived reading comics in the 70s. If I had to grow up on this nonsensical schlock, I doubt I would be the fan that I am now. I am making this controversial blanket statement based on reading this one-issue storyline, “The Great Identity Crisis”. I know, I know...  it was normal to have stupid, stupid plots back then... but I just can't see how this made sense to the writer or anyone involved in making this comic. 


Anyway, let's get the usual review part out of the way, so I can make fun of this comic. The art is pretty generic. The writing is pretty crappy. 


LET ME SHOW YOU WHY [the fun part]:


So the title is “The Great Identity Crisis” because a bad guy named Dr. Light uses something called “amnesium” [unobtanium, anyone?] to a) discover the secret identities of the JLA by pulling them directly out of their minds and b) put the secret identities back in the wrong person. Except it doesn't work on Superman and Aquaman because Supes is tough and nobody gives a crap about Aquaman. The JLAers don't notice that they now think they are the wrong people and they all return to their “normal” lives. However, Supes and Aqs [?] notice that their friends are behaving a little strangely and decide to investigate. They split up to tail them, but Aqs ends up running into an exploding lantern fish [Dr. Light and his gimmick strike again!] and “dying”. 


collective brain fart!


Everybody follow? Great.  


Next, Dr. Light sets up traps for the heroes in places where they go when off duty, like their normal jobs and homes and crap. Only [get this!] he customizes these traps for each hero. For example, he rigs The Atom's suitcase with some weird clay that expands all over his arms so that he can't activate his “size-controls in his invisible gloves.” Superman figures out what is going on and tries to stop Dr. L, but the villain has a kryptonite ray! 


Long story short, Aquaman returns from the “dead” and saves the day and isn't useless for once. 


The main problem I have with this plan of his is that it was so unnecessarily complicated. There was no reason to switch the identities AT ALL. Once Dr. L had figured out who they were, why didn't he just set up the hero-specific traps where he knew they would be? The clay that incapacitated The Atom's hands would've done the exact same job even if he didn't think he was Hal Jordan, the Green Lantern's alter-ego. SO DUMB


how.... how does someone not notice little laser balls by their phone?


Also, he seems to completely forget about setting a trap for The Flash-who-thinks-he's-Bruce Wayne. And the trap set for Batman-who-thinks-he's-Oliver Queen [Green Arrow's alter-ego] would have completely worked on Green Arrow anyway! In fact, it might've worked better! It was just a bunch of random guys beating him up because of a “hate ray” and Batman is better at hand-to-hand combat than Green Arrow. NO SENSE


what? the fish were able to knock the tank THEY ARE INSIDE through a window?


In a recent post, I wrote about being able to overlook plot holes in superhero comics, because of the fantastical nature of the beast, but I can only suspend my disbelief so much. I can overlook little things, like Dr. L's “hate ray” and how it has nothing to do with his light gimmick. Or the nature of amnesium and how Dr. L harnessed its powers and why it doesn't work on Aquaman. I can even overlook how Supes' computer somehow magically reveals all information pertinent to saving everyone. But I just can't ignore the fact that there was no reason for half of the plot to have occurred. 


AND, and, and: the narrator says at the beginning: “now it can be told – the shocking story that explains how... and why... the JLA must know each other's alter egos – to prevent another brush with annihilation!” And that's just not true. Even if they had all known each other's identities, it would not have changed anything in the story, because they didn't notice the switch in the first place. What crap. 




Justice League of America #122: fuck you.