Review #8: now with 100% more Khan!

The Horde

Writer: Igor Baranko

Artist: Igor Baranko

Published: 2004, Humanoids/DC Comics

Oh, those Russians.

From the way they play roulette to Tesla and his coils to firing adorable little puppy dogs into space, Russians have earned our respect and bemusement for being fearless and crazy [oh man, remember Stalingrad? That shit was off the hook!]. Our next review deals with a piece that is a suitable Soviet mindfuck.

The Horde, another loan from the Jason James Booth Pre-memorial Liberry, is a product of Ukrainian-born Igor Baranko. Growing up during the Cold War, Baranko served in the Soviet Army for two years, which influenced this graphic novel: it revolves around the ambitions of a Russian dictator in the year 2040.

I would probably not be doing this review if I hadn't watched the Russian film Mongol the other night with my buddy Scott. Mongol details the rise to power of the great Genghis Khan, who would go on to conquer most of Asia. In a show of serendipity, the titular horde in The Horde refers to the Mongolian Golden Horde, a kingdom that invaded Eastern Europe during the 13^th century. You see, in the book, the batshit-crazy dictator of Russia wants to resurrect the spirit of Genghis Khan in order to recreate the old Mongol Empire. Anyway, that's why I'm reviewing this instead of another comic I read about a gay cowboy.

So: the year is 2040. Ivan Apelsinov is the mad ruler of Russia, Chechnya has been nuked, and Vladimir Lenin's body has recently been stolen by aliens. Meanwhile, in the Russian state of Tuva, in the flooded, abandoned city of Kyzyl, a woman travels the psychic planes, also in search of the spirit of Genghis Khan.

Apelsinov sends his secret service agents to the Ukraine, where they have discovered the grave of the last incarnation of Genghis, key to his resurrection. Also traveling to the Ukraine is a fellow named Jhokhar, perhaps the last Chechen survivor of the nuclear attack. He is led there under the divine protection of Allah, evading death and capture multiple times thanks to a series of “coincidences”.

On some weird ethereal plane, the psychic woman encounters Genghis, who is struggling to stop his continued reincarnations by uniting the fractions of his spirit that split when his mortal body died 800 years prior. Pretty crazy. She opts to help.

These stories all come together in a climactic simultaneous showdown in Kiev, the Kremlin, the psychic plane, and aboard a UFO.

After reading two of the books I borrowed from J. Booth, I have concluded that he is insane. They keep getting weirder and he assures me that The Marquis: Inferno is even more so. That forthcoming review will surely determine when exactly J lost his mind. Stay tuned!

That being said, I am likely insane myself, as I thoroughly embraced the weirdness of this comic. The Russian dictator is a former science fiction writer, surely a dig at Scientology, founded by batshit-crazy L. Ron Hubbard. And aliens... where the hell did these aliens come from? The inclusion of these extra-terrestrials is probably the weirdest and weakest element of the story, their interventions seeming a little Deus Ex Machina, but I guess anything goes in this wacky future.

The book is full of spiritual shenanigans, combining elements from Buddhism, Islam, Christianity, Hinduism and even giving a shout-out to Osiris of Egyptian mythology. A lot of the time, I wasn't sure which deities were pulling which strings, or which ones [if any] were merely figments of their worshiper’s imagination. There is an interesting scene in the latter half where the Patriarch of the Russian church sees an angel and a devil appear before him, but they may just be a drug-induced hallucination. The philosophical first words of the book are actually “where does the dream end and reality begin?”

Baranko also gives a bit of props to his homeland. Referring to the burial place of the last reincarnation of Genghis Khan, Lama Noyon, one of the Russian secret agents asks “why here in the Ukraine and not somewhere else?” to an old woman [who is the manifestation of the thoughts of said lama]. Her reply: “Because the Ukraine is the crack between worlds. The crack between Russia and Europe, east and west, the left and right hemispheres of the brain...” Ukraine has indeed been in the eye of the shit-storm, as European neighbours and Asian invaders have fought over control of the nation for centuries.

The artwork is charmingly realistic; no bulging muscles and anti-gravity bras here [save "Strong Woman", a heavily-siliconed superheroine star of an "illegal American film"] . Just regular folks with regular bodies. For the "spiritual journey" scenes, the art and colours become fittingly trippy.

I'm not sure how intentional it is, but the story has an element of the postmodern that I found entertaining. Around the beginning, Apelsinov appears to be addressing the readers themselves, when it is revealed that he is talking to his reflection in a mirror. The last couple of pages show the unnamed psychic woman hilariously asking her new padawan “then tell me, what was this story about?” The name “Jhokhar” sounds like “joker”, and the man is constantly grinning from ear to ear. Even the absurdity of some of the plot lines [the aforementioned kidnapping of Lenin's body, the American propaganda arguing in favour of necrophiliacs' rights, the insane clone of Isaac Newton's plan to castrate everyone to achieve world peace] seems like the author winking at us.

On the whole, The Horde is a quick read, a crash course in culture, and a lot of fun. Recommended for those with an open mind.

Review #7: Sex, Drugs, and Black Holes

Black Hole

Writer: Charles Burns

Artist: Charles Burns

Published: 2005, Pantheon Books

Not to be confused with the classic 1979 film, The Black Hole, Black Hole is a twelve issue limited series that was released over almost ten years [1995-2004] until being compiled into the book that I recently borrowed from the great J. Booth.

Black Hole is about a group of teenagers living in Seattle during the 70s. A mysterious sexually-transmitted disease has been spreading through the young-adult population. Called “the bug”, it manifests itself differently in anyone infected, from an actually-kind-of-cool tail to not-cool-at-all plague-like boils covering the victim's entire body. Those who get infected [and can't hide the fact] end up ostracized and alienated by their peers. They basically become homeless lepers, eating garbage, living out in the woods and generally being society’s outcasts.

So, we join high school students Keith and Chris [a lady]. They are partners in biology and Keith develops an unrequited crush. As we jump around chronologically [a lot], we learn that Chris has recently been infected by a young stud [double standard!] named Rob. She inadvertently reveals her deformity [the skin sloughing off of her back] at the beach one day and word soon spreads around the school. Thus begins her downward spiral.

Meanwhile, Keith remains innocent and chaste, daydreaming about Chris, until one day he does the horizontal tango with an infected girl named Liz. Keith still has his heart set on Chris, perhaps not giving a shit that she's infected because now he is too. The fates of these two kids intertwine with mixed results.

I really enjoyed this novel. It smacks of teenage doom, reminiscent of one of my favourite films, Donnie Darko. It also reminded me of one of my favourite webcomics, The Stiff, by Jason Thompson. I wouldn’t be surprised if Black Hole was an influence on Jason, as they share a macabre atmosphere and an obsession with detail, in storytelling as well as artwork.

On the topic of the visuals, they are great. I have always liked black and white, from Sin City to Tracer Bullet, as it allows for creative use of shadowplay. I even prefer my own artwork in simple black ink or pencil on white paper, as I can never seem to get the colours right anyway. The drawings in Black Hole are done very simply and cleanly [perhaps something that could not have been achieved with multiple shades of colours], yet there is so much detail and the subject matter is often sexual and/or disturbing. A paradox!

Also, the 70s feel is captured quite nicely. Some of the art could totally pass for a Zeppelin album cover.

Anyway, let's dig a bit beneath the surface, shall we?

Those with “the bug” pretty much end up like bums. Most people are apathetic toward hobos and the same can be said for the infected. Nobody is trying to help them or find a cure for their condition. The “normal” folks stare or avert their eyes. If they make themselves heard, people whisper to each other or confront them with hatred and disgust.

But this book isn't making a statement about the mistreatment of the homeless. Or if it is, it is a subtext to the larger message. I didn't come up with this on my own... the credit goes to Douglas Wolk, author of Reading Comics: How Graphic Novels Work and What They Mean, a book given to me a couple of years ago [also by the great J. Booth]. According to Wolk:

“It's not a metaphor for AIDS – too early – or for herpes, or even for pregnancy (although a sobbing girl tells her philandering boyfriend that “maybe now that I'm starting to SHOW you're getting grossed out and want to move on”; what she's showing is webbing between her fingers). The disease these scared, horny teenagers are passing onto each other is, basically, sex itself.”

Much like the horror film rule that sexually active teens will be promptly slaughtered, nobody gets out alive in Black Hole. Well, that's an overstatement. Although one character speaks prophetically in his sleep [“never make it out alive...”] and the third act does feature plenty of murder, Burns puts his own spin on the old rule. Rather than kill off all the sexually active kids to send some futile [hey: teens are gonna bone, no matter what. Sorry, Sarah Palin.] message of abstinence, Burns merely shows that sex changes things. Whether it is the relationship between the sexual partners themselves, to the way their peers treat them, to the way their parents look at them. And some people can deal with the changes and some can't. Some embrace their sexual awakening and some shun it, embarrassed. But they all suffer the consequences. Nobody gets out unchanged.

Unless, of course, they don't have sex. In which case they keep listening to records in their parents' basement and dressing up like David Bowie.

And there's nothing wrong with that.

P.S. – Apparently there has been a film adaptation in the works for some time, with the suitably weird director David Fincher being linked to the project, but it seems be caught in the dreaded film limbo!

Review #6: What If? Event Horizon

What if? Event Horizon

Writer: various

Artist: various

Published: Marvel, 2006

Yet another something I picked up on my recent trip to Vancouver!

Here is the What If? intro or the “wifntro”:

Alternate realities. What if Hitler hadn't gotten rejected from art school? What if JFK had never been assassinated? What if my father had become a bounty hunter instead of a teacher? What if I had been born a woman [it's what my mother wanted... *sob*]? These are all things that never came to pass. But what if there are parallel worlds in which events played out differently? What if we could access these other realities? The possibilities are pretty much infinite.

This is the basic concept of Marvel's “What If?” series. The writers meddle with events and the time line and see what happens. It's an interesting concept, similar to the alternate history books written by Harry Turtledove I see all the time at the bookstore.

These stories are often narrated by Uatu, who is a cosmic being known as a“Watcher”. The Watchers are essentially immortal and have devoted their lives to observing and recording history throughout the universe. He gives the reader the low down and provides them with the needed context for the short story. Which is something I should do right now, actually.

The First What If? is Deadly Genesis, a storyline in which it is revealed that Scott [“Cyclops”] and Alex [“Havok”] Summers have a younger brother called Vulcan. He is found by Moira MacTaggert, a close friend to Charles “Professor X” Xavier. She forms a team of her own “X-Men” and before they are finished training, they are sent on their first mission: rescue the original X-Men from an evil sentient island called “Krakoa”. Wow.

So this story deviates from the 1975 classic [and this is one of, if not THE defining comic of their entire catalog] by having the new X-Men live instead of dying like they did in the real continuity [you see, Xavier never tells Scott and Alex that his friend had discovered their younger brother and the new team was formed in secret, so they were clueless]. Scott, who has become a depressed and reclusive sculptor, is the only survivor of the original team. Basically, this changes the following: Vulcan was a villain in the real story, and he became the ruler of a alien race called “The Shi'ar” [don't ask] and began waging intergalactic war against a race called The Inhumans led by the immensely powerful Black Bolt [one of the Illuminati]. As you can see, this shit was pretty real. In the re-imagining, Vulcan stays on Earth and becomes the leader of the X-Men following Scott's downward spiral after Jean's death. His crazy-powerful powers are enough to subdue all of the X-Men's foes, the last naturally being Magneto, who rants and rages as he is led away in super-cuffs. Wild.

The thing is done as a flashback while we see Vulcan sitting on a couch, watching a DVD doc of himself entitled “The World's Greatest Superhero”. We learn all of the above up there. It's an effective way to tell the back-story. We then learn that some crazy shit went down on that island when the rescue mission was on and maybe this Vulcan really isn’t so different [no spoilers!] from his real [comic] version.

It's a real sweet twist on a pivotal moment in X-Men history and it's very well done. The art is nice and clean. I love the idea of Scott using his eye-lasers to sculpt images of his dead wife. Sculptclops!Another interesting change is that, thanks to Vulcan's popularity with the public, mutants aren't victims of discrimination like they are in the real reality. Also, I like Darwin's powers of “reactive evolution”. Basically, he evolves to survive any given situation, making him virtually unkillable. Very cool.

The story ends on a pretty depressing note, but I've always been a fan of downer-endings. I just find them more realistic than “happily ever after” bullshit.

One complaint: not enough Wolverine.

Up next we have an alternate take on the Avengers Disassembled storyline, which I'll admit, I am not terribly familiar with. Upon doing some research, it is still super-convoluted and pretty confusing. Here's the super-gist: Avenger Wanda “Scarlet Witch” Maximoff has basically gone insane due to her reality warping magical powers. She thinks the rest of the Avengers took her children away from her [her children were, in fact, magical constructs of her subconscious. Wacky!] She uses her magic to blow up half of the Avengers Mansion, killing several teammates in the process. She is finally stopped by Doctor Strange and her father, Magneto, takes her away to care for her.

So, where this story deviates from the original is that Captain America, himself suffering from brain-damage due to being frozen in a block of ice since 1945 [I'm glad they address this, as I imagine that would mess anybody up], has secretly allied himself with Scarlet Witch and seeks to use her reality warping to remake the world into a utopia. Hank “Beast” McCoy, being the super-intelligent gent that he is, senses something is amiss and, with Ms. Marvel acting as his Watson, he puts together the puzzle pieces. Hank gathers various Avengers and X-Men and finds Cap and Wanda at Magneto's island palace, where they do battle. In the ensuing brouhaha, mostly everyone is killed but Falcon and Iron Man are able to convince Cap that he is sick in the head, who in turn is able to talk sense into Wanda. They are grief stricken at what they have done and kill themselves. Big downer. Even bigger than the last.

I wasn't a huge fan. I like the twist of Cap being losing his mind, but the story didn't come together that cohesively. And when the climactic double-suicide goes down, it seems very rushed. I would expect more thought would go into such a decision. I didn't like the artist's take on Beast and the art overall was a bit too clean, lacking any real personality. Even Wolverine's increased presence cannot save this one.

I did enjoy the use of Ms. Marvel, as I have always considered her an under-used and under-developed character.

This one is probably my favourite of the bunch. SO MUCH WOLVERINE! A few years back, there was a storyline in which Wolverine is brainwashed by HYDRA [a terrorist organization] and becomes an assassin for them. In the real continuity, he gets deprogrammed and returns to his regular anti-hero self. This time around, he is not saved and goes on to slaughter much of the superhero community. In a series of flashbacks, he is shown killing/having killed: Spider-Man, Luke Cage, Moon Knight, some guy named Jean-Paul, Angel, Iron Man, Daredevil, Punisher, Black Panther, Thing and Spider-Woman. Holy shit!

So Captain America [who, by the way, has actually lost an arm and a leg in a previous fight with Wolvie] gathers whatever surviving heroes that he can in an attempt to lead his former friend into a trap. This small-yet- formidable group is made up of Kitty Pryde, Sue Storm and even Magneto! Naturally, their plan goes haywire and Wolvie wreaks some serious havoc, until he has cornered Kitty. She tries to talk sense into him, but he's not having it. In desperation, she pulls a crazy-sweet move that stops her former mentor.

Great story. This is Wolvie as the unstoppable killing machine he was meant to be. I've always been a fan of the “gruff father-figure” aspect of his persona, and this story puts a horrific twist on it. As Kitty pleads with him, he calls her “pup”, a mockery of what was once a term of endearment. The artwork has a certain grittiness to it. I like.

Following the possible best is the possible worst: an alternate version of Spider-Man's “The Other” story. The original features Spidey being overcome by his “spider” half [kinda lame] and makes himself a cocoon [pretty sure spiders don't do that?] under the Brooklyn Bridge, from which he emerges a changed man! He has now embraced his spider side and has amazing additions to his spectacular powers! Whatever. I think it's kind of lame to keep adding and changing the powers these heroes have. It happens way too often.

Anyway, in this one, Spidey rejects his spider side and remains inside his cocoon in a sort of limbo state, until the Venom symbiote escapes from super-jail and seeks him out. It bonds to him and over the space of a few months, destroys the mind of Peter Parker and possesses his body. Upon emerging, the creature seeks out Spidey's widow, who is staying at Stark Tower, in an attempt to remake her in his image. Wolverine and Luke Cage spring to her rescue, but ultimately it is MJ herself that defeats the creature with words [BORING!].

Bottom line: less talk, more Wolverine.

Hey! These stories are all super-bleak! Woo!

The next one is a new and "improved" take on the Age of Apocalypse story arc, which is itself an alternate reality! Jesus Christ! This is some Inception shit. Sometimes I think comic books have jumped the shark so hard that the Fonz is spinning in his grave. Anyway, the original AoA storyline has a very dear place in my heart, so I felt immediately drawn to this. The original plot has Professor Xavier's son travel back in time with the intention of killing the X-Men's arch-nemesis Magneto. Instead, he accidentally kills his father, who has yet to form the X-Men, when Xavier tries to defend his frenemy. This completely changes the course of history, allowing the ancient mutant Apocalypse to make his [largely successful] bid at overthrowing humanity.

This time around, the time-traveling troublemaker ends up killing his father and Magneto [who in main AoA continuity, is inspired by Xavier's death and forms his own X-Men to battle the tyrant], ensuring that there is absolutely no one to stop Apocalypse. The Watcher is back again and narrates what has happened at a breakneck speed. The pacing in this story is terrible. So much is glossed over so quickly, it gets irritating. The rise to power of Apocalypse would be interesting to see, yet we are given a scant 2 PANELS of that. Then, Scott and Jean, who are hiding in the Savage Land with their “child”, Nate, are surprised and killed by Apocalypse's minions [a lot of cameo's here] while their son is spirited away by Sauron. I had some problems with this scene. First, Nate is not actually the son of Scott and Jean. Rather he was grown from their DNA in a tube by Sinister. Second, Jean, one of the most powerful mutants in the world, is killed by a much less powerful foe in the corner of a tiny panel at the bottom of page two. What the hell?

Anyway, the fugitive Nate is found by Wolverine and taken to meet the resistance, led by a Mjölnir-weilding Captain America. The team includes Brother Voodoo, Captain Britain, Thing, Colossus and Molecule Man. This leads me to another couple of issues: Mjölnir grants its carrier the powers of the god, Thor [I know, I know], and Molecule Man has god-like powers. Shouldn't the combined efforts of these two be able to overthrow Apocalypse, who is merely somewhat god-like? And what have they been doing all this time?

You know, the more I think about it, the less I like this story. And this review is hella-long already. My apologies, but that is the nature of this beast. To try to end on a positive note, I did like the new roster of Horsemen: Juggernaut, Namor, Storm and, naturally, Hulk,

Oh, also, there was a good amount of Wolverine.

So, two out of the five stories actually impressed me. That's $4 out of the $10 purchase. Damn.

Review #5: Community's "Kickpuncher"

Kickpuncher

Writer: Donald “Troy Barnes”Glover

Artist: Jim Mahfood

Published: Sony, 2010

This is an interesting piece. For a belated birthday gift to my dear elder brother, I got him Community Season 1. He let me borrow it the other night, and upon opening the case, a tiny comic fell out. I held in my hand Kickpuncher, issue #1.

So, what is Kickpuncher? Not to be confised with Cockpuncher, it is a creation of Troy Barnes, the character in Community portrayed by Donald Glover. The comic is based around a fictional movie of the same name that is featured in episode 15. In the show, Troy and Abed also make their own short-film homage, in which the cyborg-cop Kickpuncher is said to possess the power of punches that are as hard as kicks.

The funny little intro by the fictional Troy includes a “coupon for a free makeout if you are a hot girl”. This sets the tone for the level of maturity of what lies ahead. The story begins as any regular episode of the show would, with the study group going over their Spanish homework, when they are suddenly attacked by SNAKE MEN! The evil snake men take the young and attractive Annie and Britta hostage, so that they will wash their cars in their panties. Troy and Abed alert the Dean, who in turn summons Kickpuncher. After flying to Cairo [“because that's where snakes evolved”], Troy, Abed and Kickpuncher confront the snake men in their pyramid lair. The bad guys are subsequently kickpunched. Upon being rescued, Annie and Britta announce that they have fallen in love while in captivity and proceed to make out. The end!

As you can see, it is a rather short, straightforward comic. It is only eight pages, including this centrefold:

I liked it. The comic, though brief, captures the quirks of Community's characters [waoh, alliteration!] and seems like something that would spring from the mind of man-child Troy. The writing is funny and the art is very fast and loose, resembling the amateur work it is emulating. It kind of reminds me of the Buttman comics that my good friend Chris and I made back in the sixth grade, except better.

In conclusion, go out and buy Community Season 1 on DVD, because it is probably the only way to get your hands on the magnum opus that is Kickpuncher, issue #1.

Review #4: Simpsons Sellout Spectacular?

Simpsons Comics Spectacular

Artist: various

Writer: various

Published: Bongo Comics, 1995

I kind of feel like The Simpsons should have pulled the plug a long time ago. Granted, I haven't seen any new episodes in years. But when they came out with the movie, I figured “well, this is their big send-off.... I hope it's OK.” And, y'know, it was OK! And then they kept going! It's like they are churning out season after season just for the hell of it.

EARTH TO MATT GROENING: YOU ALREADY HAVE THE RECORD FOR LONGEST-RUNNING AMERICAN ANIMATED SHOW AND LONGEST-RUNNING AMERICAN COMEDY. YOU HAVE WHORED OUT THIS FRANCHISE AS MUCH AS THE LAWS OF PHYSICS WILL ALLOW. WE GET IT. WE WILL ALWAYS HOLD A SPECIAL PLACE IN OUR HEARTS FOR THE SIMPSONS. NOW PLEASE LET THEM REST.

And there is just something so impersonal about it to me... Like, I understand that many people work on the show and it's not like one person's artistic vision anymore, and from flipping through the credits in the books, there is a relatively small group working on 'em, but there's still an element of bullshit corporate whorism when something so beloved branches out into every medium known to man.

And there are plenty of other franchises guilty of this. But at least there are many different artists' interpretations of Batman and Wolverine, rather than some sad, sack-of-shit failed artist spending his career imitating Matt Groening's drawing style. Even the show's art reached a kind of slick soullessness somewhere around the end of the Simpsons Golden Age [seasons 3-9].

I always imagined Garfield was one of the most whorish examples or corporate whorism, but at least Jim Davis still writes/draws his own terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible comic strip. What does Matt Groening do besides sit on his ever-growing pile of money?

One last complaint: half the fun of the show is the insane variety of characters and half the fun of those characters is their voices and vocal tics and mannerisms. Without that, all you have is your bad imitation of Homer in your head as you read the dialogue.

Anyway... yet another massive intro. Onto the book itself.

Simpsons Comics Spectacular is a trade paperback [I mostly collect trade paperbacks, FYI] featuring issues #6-9 of Simpsons Comics. Each issue contains a main story about the titular family and a shorter story, usually starring some secondary cast members. They seem to be standalone plots [no arc going on throughout multiple issues] and the shorter ones seem to be even less canonical [barely connected to the Simpsons' reality, let alone a cohesive overall story arc], reminding me of the Halloween Special mini-episodes on the show.

Issue #6

The plot concerns Lisa becoming famous when Otto's speed metal band [Otto and the Screaming Whiners, a name not even worthy of a chuckle] accidentally samples some of her sax-work for their latest single, inspiring a new genre called “spazz” [speed metal + jazz = funny]. I love Otto. His attempt to bribe a radio DJ is one of the funnier moments. The funniest would probably be the page-long montage of various Springfieldians reacting to the song “Smells Like Futility”[har har]. Naturally, Lisa's fame goes to her head and only after a pep talk from her mentor, Bleeding Gums Murphy [20 years later, the name's still funny][also, isn't this guy 20-years dead?], reminds her what is really important and we all learn a valuable lesson about being true to who you are and your artistic vision [kinda funny, considering my above rant]. It also makes a statement about the fickle and fleeting nature of pop music stardom, which I appreciate. Not exactly fresh, though.

The mini-story concerns Bart's graffiti-tagging alter ego, El Barto, and his close call with Springfield's finest. Naturally, Chief Wiggum and the boys fuck it up and arrest Snake for the vandalism. El Barto rides again! It isn't really funny and is easily skippable.

Issue #7

The Simpsons go to the circus! Hilarity ensues! OR DOES IT? The opening is strong, with the family dynamic in full swing. Also, I love Homer bellowing “PLASTIC DUNG SHOVELS!” in anticipation of going to the circus. Bart roping Rod and Todd Flanders into doing his chores for him is also pretty great [“when Flanders was in Simpson land, let my people go” they sing]. But as the antics get wackier and wackier, it gets less and less funny. Homer and Bart end up hijacking the show and plowing it [and the story] into the ground.

This time around, the mini-story is solid. It involves action star Ranier Wolfcastle at a Hollywood party being crashed by mafioso Fat Tony and his goons. A Simpson-ified Bruce Willis and Sylvester Stallone make funny, drunken and disheveled cameos and Jack Nicholson is in the background at one point. The ending is great, with Ranier making several Arnold-esque lame puns and slaughtering the mobsters, then breaking the 4^th wall in the last panel. Gold.

Issue #8

These plots grow more ridiculous: Homer is shrunk down in order to go inside Mr. Burns' body and save his life from the threat of indigestion [?]. It makes little to no sense, but hey, what can ya do? The funniest parts include a character reminiscent of Dr. Strangelove [pop culture references have always been one of the strengths of The Simpsons] and Mr. Burns releasing a belch that travels all the way across town to awaken town drunk, Barney, who gasps “father??”

Mini-story: this one is also ridiculous, but in a way that comes full circle and I actually find it to be pretty good. Bart's teacher Edna Krabappel stars as “The Queen of the Congo”, who encounters Bwana Seymour “the whitest of the white hunters” [LOL!]. It's an all-star lineup, including Willie, Martin, Otto, Bart, Nelson, Milhouse, Jimbo and Kearney [no Dolph?], and Krusty and Sideshow Bob as idols [I would totally worship “Krust-ee, God of Hilarity”]. But in the end, poor Edna remains on the prowl for a man worth marrying. Sigh... always a jungle-bridesmaid, never a jungle-bride.

Issue #9

In this tale, Bart steals Lisa's diary, makes some edits and submits it to a publisher. Bart's edits make the family appear even more crazy than they actually are and the diary ends up getting published and goes on to become a best-seller. Lisa becomes famous [twice in one paperback!] but her book's success is followed by a slew of imitators and she is also sued by the shameless Troy McClure, who claims she plagiarized his work. She is taken to court, where [after a hilarious Lionel Hutz acts as both the prosecution and defense] Bart publicly admits to his prank and convinces the judge to let it go. This story is more relevant than the first one, especially considering the Million Little Pieces scandal. Where does creative nonfiction end and dramatic embellishment begin? And it also has an element missing in the previous “beware fame” tale: the family dynamic. Aware of Bart's prank, but silenced by the wealth, the family is forced to put up with Lisa's increasingly diva-like behaviour. Also, I love Otto's tell-all book, People who Have Barfed on My Bus.

Mini-story: this one stars the aforementioned Barney Gumble going about his daily business, which just involves drinking at Moe's Tavern. A bunch of crazy shit happens and the punchline is that Barney's roommate is imaginary and would probably be funnier if I had seen the movie Harvey.

Phew... another marathon of a review.

So, overall, there were some decent laughs here and there. But, as I find with the show, the more crazy and outlandish the antics of the titular family become, the less I tend to enjoy. They are at their strongest when they are simply being an average, yellow family. And I know I'm reviewing a comic here and not the show, but I think that it is relevant to note the decrease in quality of The Simpsons show as their resources are stretched thinner and thinner for the marketing blitz. I feel as though they should have focused on keeping the show fresh rather than coming up with half-baked ideas for their comic book line.

I just realized I haven't been giving my posts titles!

Kita Koga

Writer: Takanori Yasaka

Artist: Takanori Yasaka

Published: Monocle, 2010

Manga!

I have never read any manga in my entire life. I have only had limited exposure to manga's companion genre of anime as a youngster, watching Sailor Moon and the odd episodes of Pokémon [my best friend made me watch it with him]/Yu-Gi-Oh [the kids I babysat loved it for some reason] and Dragonball Z.

I've always been sort of befuddled by manga/Japanese things in general. Like, why do they always have to feature elaborate morphing/changing sequences? I always wondered what the bad guys did while Sailor Moon was spinning around in her skivvies. Stand around and glance impatiently at a wristwatch? And why do all the Sailor Scouts look white? Aren't they Japanese? And what do Pokémon do inside their Pokéballs? And now high is Goku's power level? And what's up with tentacle porn? Alas, I digress...

Anyway, my friend and former classmate and Charlie Sheen coattail-rider, Jarrett Moffatt, gave me a couple of issues of Kita Koga, a series that comes with his subscription to Monocle magazine [what a pretentious asshole!].

I have perused the two issues and have noted the following:

• It's nice of them to put the “quick lesson in manga orientation” at the front/back of the book... you see, like all things Japanese, it is done the opposite of the American way!

• The dialogue is printed in a very computer-ish font in ALL CAPS, making it seem like EVERYONE'S YELLING. Hilarious!

• The art isn't like the Japanese stuff I am used to [Sailor Moon, Pokémon, etc.]. The people actually look realistic, rather than having massive eyes/heads.

• The artwork is very meticulously drawn. Each issue has a great splash page of a super-detailed cargo ship.

• Even though Kita Koga is “exclusively penned for Monocle by Takanori Yasaka”, I am curious as to which language is is written in originally [Monocle is a British publication]. Some of the dialogue/exposition seems clumsy in that hilarious lost-in-translation kind of way.

• There's a funny/completely unrealistic Caruso moment in the middle of issue 30!

The plot seems to concern a CIA-like organization called “Shinobi” and their efforts to quell an opposing group called [dum dum DUM] “Neo-Shinobi”. I only possess issues 27 and 30, and each is the average 24-page length [no ads], but things seem to progress quite slowly. Could Japanese readers be more patient than their Western counterparts? In issue 27, our protagonists watch a video and visit a dock. Skip ahead to #30, obviously missing some plot, but able to get the gist. Our protags are now aboard the aforementioned cargo ship caught in a storm. They cheat certain death, catch the bad guy and rescue their mentor and everyone lives happily ever after!

This series suffered from being pretty cheesy at times, but it was mostly hilarious, so no big deal.

Often, there was the problem of having exposition in the dialogue, if ya know what I'm sayin':

Overall, it seemed like pretty standard international-secret-agent type of fare. Admittedly, these two comics have not really provided me with a ton of material to work with, review-wise, but they have given me my first taste of the wonderful, weird world of MANGA!

Well, I didn't really plan on this review, but hey, that's life, right?

I stumbled upon this magazine whilst perusing a 7-Eleven rack in Vancouver on the long weekend. I made a rare impulse buy [BTW: 10 EFFING DOLLARS] because I figured “hey, it could help with the blog”. And has it? Well, it inspired this post, so there's that...

What follows is my review of Life Story: Superhero Spectacular [apparently a “collectors edition”!]:

Now, I had never heard of this magazine prior to seeing it at Sev, so I did not immediately hold it in high regard. The only comic book-related publication of which I am aware is Wizard [which reminds me, I haven't seen one in awhile... I should get on that][UPDATE: Wizard has apparently folded as of March, 2011! Bad news bears...]. Also, Superhero Spectacular doesn't really cover comic books so much as it covers other forms of media that have been taken by comics. But this, in essence, is what comic books have become today: a massive, multi-pronged marketing campaign. The comic begat the cartoon, which begat the movie. And movies hardly stand alone these days if there is potential to make money off of a video game adaptation. Often, the producers don't even wait to see if the film is successful before making the game. It is a blitzkrieg from all sides. And here, a tool in the endless assault: Superhero Spectacular!!!!1 or as I like to call it: your pointless guide to comic-related media!

To start, the cover boasts “Comic Book Histories!” That's nice, but Wikipedia has all of this info as well [FOR FREE!], and there are even franchise-specific wikis now [Wookiepedia, the Star wars Wiki is one of my personal favourites].

The cover also says “KA-POW!!! MOVIE HEROES BATTLE EVIL & SAVE THE WORLD!” which isn't really a feature or an article, and leads me to the sneaking suspicion that this is a magazine aimed at a younger demographic.

Let's take a gander inside... the pages are all bright colours. My suspicion grows.

There are some very high-quality pictures, but there are also some incredibly poor-quality screen shots from the featured films. The resolution looks like they got them from Youtube or something. Tsk tsk.

One of the main features early in the magazine is their compilation of the “25 Greatest Superpowers!” Here's where the problems truly begin.

First off, they categorize Spider-Man's “web-slinging” as a superpower, saying he “gained this ability when he was bitten by a radioactive spider”. Well, that is false. He built web-shooting devices himself and wore them on his wrists. Sure, in the Tobey Maguire films, it shoots out of his actual wrists as a result of the radioactive spider bite, but that is stupid. A spider's webbing comes out of its ass, not its tiny spider-wrists.

Also, is “mental telepathy” redundant?

Huge mistake here: two almost-identical entries on the list for “mind control”. Seriously, who is editing this thing? Do I blame Editor-in-chief Karen L. Williams, or Executive Editor Edward Gross? Managing Editor Bill Lieberman? How about all of the above?

Upon reaching # 5, which is “time travel”, I became enraged. The entry references one of the most ridiculous plot twists of any of the Superman films, and probably most films in general. I am, of course, talking about the end of Superman I, when Supes travels back in time to save Lois Lane by reversing the rotation of the Earth. Ladies and gentlemen, this makes absolutely no goddam sense. I can't even... ugh. It baffles me that somebody wrote this down in a script and nobody stared at them for a long time without saying a word and then slapped them in the face. Just thinking about it gets my “logic-rage” all riled up. And don't even get me started on all the complications that are implicit when introducing time travel into your story. It's kind of one of my “plot-device-pet-peeves”.

Anyway, I should wrap this up before I bust a blood vessel.

The “Greatest Superpowers” are followed by “The 10 Strangest Superpowers”, which is actually a far more interesting list. Entries include “umbrakinesis” which is “the ability to mentally repulse photons to create darkness”. COOL!

There is an article about the Green Lantern game, but I was not really impressed by the film, nor do I have any gaming platform that would support the game, so I didn't read it.

There are full season guides to DC's Young Justice and Marvel's The Avengers: Earth's Mightiest Heroes cartoons. In my current [debatable] state of adulthood, I find them largely boring. But I thought back to when I was a wee lad and in love with X-Men: The Animated Series, and I realized I would've loved to have a complete guide to each episode. Hm.

The only ads in the magazine are for teenybopper magazines. Hmmm.

The interviews have some decently big names. Ryan Reynolds is probably their biggest star, but goddam if I am not sick of that guy right now. Overexposure. Also featured are Chris Hemsworth and Kenneth Branagh, the titular character and director of Thor, respectively. In a more loose sense of the term “big name”, we have Chris Evans and Nathan Fillian.

I'm still surprised these celebrities gave interviews to a magazine that is so sub-par.

Or maybe this magazine is meant for children. Either way, I'm down 10 bucks.

The Dark Knight Returns

Writer: Frank Miller

Artist: Frank Miller

Published: DC, 1986

Fitting that my first review will be the Batman four-issue limited series The Dark Knight Returns: Batman is hands down my favourite superhero. “But, Thor, Batman doesn't even have superpowers,” you might whine. Exactly. The guy has had to rely on his brains and his frail, human body [and the unlimited fortune of his murdered parents] to run with the big dogs in DC's highly hero-populated universe. And run he did! Batman is arguably the most popular superhero in the world. The only non-powered member of the Justice League of America, he stands shoulder-to-shoulder with the Earth's mightiest champions. Yes, he is only a man... but he's a bat man.

Alas, I digress... I should just get to the review. But first! Some context is required: when Batman started off, he was a real badass. During the Golden Age of comics [late 30s to early 50s], Batman was known to use firearms and to even kill his opponents. Any self-respecting Batman fan could tell you that the Caped Crusader lives by a strict moral code that includes no guns and no murder. A new DC editor, Whitney Ellsworth added ethics to our now-noble Dark Knight. Personal standards or not, Batman remained a terrifying scourge upon the fictional Gotham City's underworld. It wasn't until 1954, when the Comics Code Authority was introduced at the behest of concerned American parents, that Batman began to lose his edge. His adventures began taking on more “child-friendly”, fantastical and silly elements [the introduction of Bat-Mite in1959 representing perhaps an all-time low]. Adam West's ultra-campy portrayal of Batman in the 60s did not help to retain his dark image. The Batman we knew and loved was all but gone.

1986: Enter Frank Miller [also, enter Thor Blondal in St. Boniface hospital in Winnipeg]. Writer/artist Miller had previously made a name for himself by revitalizing and introducing darker subject matter to the Daredevil character. He now took on a similar challenge: Returning the Batman to his grim roots.

Whew. Longest intro of all time. I hope they're not all like this, or nobody's gonna read this crap.

So TDKR takes place ten years after Batman has retired. He now lives in an increasingly violent and crime-ridden Gotham City as his alter-ego, 55-year old millionaire Bruce Wayne. He is not the only crime-fighter to have hung up his cape: Nearly all of the DC world's heroes have left the limelight, save Superman, who has been allowed by the government to keep operating in secrecy. Apparently parent groups and government officials became concerned about these “vigilantes” and decided to crack down, although the details of this mass-forced-retirement are never really delved into too deeply.

I have just come to the conclusion as I write that this could very well be a metaphor for the enforcement of the Comics Code Authority. Holy shit! It makes so much sense: concerned parents spearheading a movement to basically make comic book heroes toothless, until one hero [Frank Miller's Batman] rises from the ashes to return comics to their former glory. Wowee wow wow. I impress even myself sometimes.

Anyway, in a show of serendipity, Batman decides to come out of retirement as an old, “rehabilitated” foe [Harvey “Two-Face” Dent] simultaneously relapses into a life of crime. Shenanigans ensue. Batman also takes on a gang of ruthless youths called the Mutants, picking up a sidekick along the way.

Of course, Batman’s arch-nemesis, the Joker, enters the fray in the third act. A Batman story without the Joker is like a hotdog without mustard. The Joker escapes from Arkham Asylum and begins wreaking his trademark havoc on the citizens of Gotham. Surprisingly, the confrontation with the Joker is not the climactic battle of the series. The final battle is shocking in both the identity of the opponent and its outcome.

The artwork fits the story perfectly: Miller's messy style reflects the gritty, “futuristic” Gotham (the quotation marks because it just seems like a slightly more advanced 80s: Reagan, though never named, is clearly president). Just as Marv of Sin City is the perfect, massive, muscle-bound anti-hero for that harsh world, Miller's Batman is the Gotham equivalent. I like to call his version "The Fridge". The influence of his take on Batman can be seen in the marvelous 90s cartoon Batman: The Animated Series.

Miller's writing is not the finest I have read. It can be pretty cliché and subtlety is not his forté. But it is effective. Like his artwork, the rough writing is part of the whole “Miller” package: his world is a hard world, populated by hard men [and women: see Sin City] who face hard foes. Every weakness is exploited. Only the strong survive. It's very Darwinian.

At the same time, if one part of the package turns you off, you likely won't enjoy the rest either. Miller is not for everyone. As my friend Shane put it, “Frank Miller is about as gross a human being as they get.”

The book explores the psychological hero-villain interplay more than any other Batman books I have read, save The Killing Joke. The Joker comes out of a long catatonic state after seeing news footage of Batman's return and goes on to murder hundreds. It is as if Batman fuels his insanity, like one cannot exist without the other. It is actually a beautiful relationship, in a really weird, twisted way. The Joker seems to realize this, referring to Batman as “darling” and “my sweet”. And of course, Batman feels partially responsible for the murder spree and starts questioning “how many more” victims before he'll “finally do it” [kill the Joker]. This struggle is one of the central conflicts of the story.

Despite the legendary status of this series, it is not without problems.

I actually thought more time could have been spent inside the Joker's head. He narrates a few parts here and there, but some more insight into his insanity could have added depth to his character. Perhaps Miller was counting on the reader's familiarity with the Batman mythos to fill any gaps.

Actually, Miller's Batman might be a little too badass: at one point Batman seems to shoot and kill a member of the mutant gang with a large machine gun, and this sundering of his moral code is never addressed. It is done in order to save the life of a young hostage, but it stands out like a sore thumb as the only time he directly causes someone's death in the entire book. Maybe the mutant is only wounded, but a bullet to the chest isn't exactly a flesh wound and, as I said, there isn't any follow up.

I am wracking my brain and my slightly scuffed [many, many readings, you see] trade paperback and I cannot think of any other flaws in this baby.

I find if something really touches me [song/movie/book], I will have a "goosebump moment". my GBM for TDKR: Batman and his new Robin make a narrow escape from the police on a hang-glider and a stray bullet cuts Robin's strap. She falls but catches Batman's cape and pulls herself up into his arms. As he holds her, he mutters "good soldier, good soldier" into her ear while in his mind, he questions bringing her into his endless fight for justice. magnificent.

In conclusion, all the critical acclaim for this piece of work is well-deserved. it features all the elements of as classic Batman tale: Two-Face, The Joker, Superman, even an aged, haggard Catwoman [running an escort service, which is a connection to another Miller project, Batman: Year One, in which she is a prostitute]. It has moral dilemmas and conflicts of interest! Freedom vs. fascism, order vs. anarchy! Alfred makes witty quips!

This is a must-read for any Batman fan and a treat for any comic lover. If not for TDKR, Batman would not be the dark knight that we all know and love today.